Viruses 101 (Mom Style)

How To Tell If Your Child Has a Virus

• Does your child have a fever? Why, yes, he does!
• Has that fever been present for longer than 8 hours? Okay, yes.
• Has that fever been present for less than 8 hours? Um, okay.
• Does your child seem lethargic and/or cranky? Lethargic, check. Cranky, check!
• Are your child's nasal passages blocked by thick, greenish-yellowish snot that appears to be too thick to leave his passages unless he sneezes, in which case said snot can reach a minimum distance of 6 feet? Nope, still clear and drippy, but has potential.
• Does your child spew whatever might be in his tummy on a regular OR irregular basis? Not yet, thank the heavens.
• Does your child have runny stools? Yes, and then some.
• Are your child's stools normal? Nah.
• Does your child have a pale complexion? Well, duh, but then again, we're not exactly known for our ethnic tones.

If you answered YES to any single question above, your child might have a virus.

Definition of a Virus: A submicroscopic infectious agent that is unable to grow or reproduce outside a host cell (courtesty of biology-online.org).

Definition of a Virus in a Child: A submicroscopic infectious agent that is able to disguise itself as anything else on the planet, from food poisoning to rabies, causing the parent to question why on earth no one has invented a virus-free child you can purchase through Amazon.com.

What to Do When Your Child Has a Virus:

• Give the child plenty of liquids, preferrably clear liquids, since he's probably going to be vomiting them onto your carpet or furniture. Berry Blue Hawaiian Punch, for example, is a poor choice for two reasons: it doesn't come out of the carpet easily whether it is vomited or it leaks out of the diaper (have you seen neon diarrea? on the carpet?)
• Under no circumstances give the child milk or milk products. They simply curdle in their belly and eventually make their way out of the belly, resulting in a smell that will not leave your nasal passages for approximately 2 weeks.
• Give the child Motrin. The clear kind. Because the child will vomit the Motrin. On the chance that the child retains the Motrin, expect the child to be happy and peppy for a good 2 1/2 hours, just enough to drive you insane.
• Take child to the doctor. It is always good to get a second opinion from a physician who will shake his head at you and say something along the lines of "I can't find anything wrong with him, so it must be a virus." The expression "you know, antibiotics won't work with viruses" is also popular. "Virus of unknown origin" is typically saved for late night ER visits. Regardless of what vocabulary the physician uses, the rough translation into the vernacular is "You're SOL, Momma."